To the Ones Ive Hurt

Have you ever blamed someone you loved for something horrible, just to find out they have  done nothing you psychotic mind assumed? I have. I have done it a little too many times. Sadly, even if others may consider me sweet and harmless....just ask my husband, mother, father, siblings and best friend if I have ever hurt them and they will probably tell you its because i assumed something about them that seemed so real in my head and I spoke hurtfully about it as if it was pure facts....

I am not proud one bit and I will not excuse myself for what I have ever done like this. Its so easy to ruin a relationship based on assumptions. I can't say how many times I almost ended my marriage because of this. Am I alone? Am I the only one who is horrible like this? Am I really so insecure that I jump to think the first negative thing possible?

I think my husband takes the worst from me. We have been through thick and pretty much seen our worst reactions and I guess thats why its a lot more comfortable to me to push my assumptions on him, but if i would look at the entire picture like i am now....I would have no doubt that my husband loves me, cares for me, protects me, trusts me and actually want me. Instead my insecurities of being let down run so deep that I have a protective mechanism that pretty much has me always expecting the worst so I can be strong enough to deal with the latter.

I am a sinner. The Lord wrote to me in the bible and I have not listened. He has told me who I am, what I am about and what I should worry about and what I shouldn't. Yet I have taken so much control of my life that I am going out of control, does that make sense. I want to have control of every step of the way and if I don't I lose control? I hate this person, I hate the person that Ive allowed myself to become.

There is no peace or love in someone who assumes that others don't actually love her.

I was born to give, to love, to enjoy others, to speak truth, to understand others, and I've wasted it by protecting myself from failure and rejection.

I guess the hurt and insecure, chunky, "gordita", middle child is still in me, but I also have something else and thats purpose....my purpose. I am not what I think or assume I am or what I think others may think of me....I am more.

But before I begin my journey to becoming a positive minded, adventure seeking, fear facing girl....I want to APOLOGIZE to everyone I have ever hurt because i protected my own feelings instead of thinking of yalls, I am sorry. I love you all. Y'all may have already forgiven me and forgotten about it by now....but I do love you all and y'all mean the absolute MOST to me and I thank God that y'all love me unconditionally. I hope to be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend to you all.

You all have given me so much.